Sunday, July 31, 2005
i had a bad dream last nite.. i dreamt that he read my blog and after tat he msg mi saying that he will not see mi animore...!!! luckily it;s all
onli a dream.. haiz miss him so much. but he dunnoe. say wat we will be like b4 that close frds but somehow i juz dun feel tht he treating mi that wat. things has
CHANGE! i hope to tok to u again our usual chats seems to be fading..we dun seems like close frds..
haiz dunnoe y today wake up at
7.30am when i supposed to wake up at a later time. hahaz. later had to go for my
ruan practise..after which mit
desmond help him print something using my hse com.. then mi going to look for ah na!! hehe... ok lo at least i haf something to do today.. oh ya today is also
benjamin's bdae... wonder y he never msg mi le.. well hopes he enjoy himself.. i miss him alots too... that all i think mi going to bath le..
tata~Thursday, July 28, 2005
yesterday was a busy day at work. so bascially nthing much.. but i was caught in a line said by Tay Ping Hui in his 9pm show at channel 8 last nite. He said something like ' either u change the outcome or u juz haf to accept it' .. well kinda agree with this..it's true..but i noe i'm not ableto change it and i still find it so hurting to accept it.. still tend to miss him everyday.. i'm afraid that one day if we reali saw each other and mit up the feel is bery different.. juz so weird.. haiz .. if onli we can turn back times.. but even if we can i also dunnoe wat i will do.. can someone enlighted mi??? hoping for a ruanster gathering soon..being with them i reali feel so relax.i dun think of those fustrating things and i always try to enjoy myself with them. reali hopes we can haf an outing soon..
Monday, July 25, 2005
i tried my best to not msg u..but u tok to mi..and u are making mi more sad than ever... i had to act as if
i'm ok....but u dun believe...i reali happi tat u still remeber mi.but in another way i feel so sad... i dunwan to lose u as a close frd.. but it seems like we cant be that
close frd after all... haiz..
i hopes u wun read my blog. i hope u never found out my blog... i will be ur best frd always no matter wat...
Sunday, July 24, 2005
haiz..juz finish doing my new blog skin..ya is not i created de but still nid to do some adjustment to it.. haiz so
boring.. today went for ruan in the morning lo..went hm at ard 4pm... toking abt the 10th anniversary thingy lo..aniway i got nthing to do at hm so might as well stay and listen lo..
last nite went to MU ..haiz got
spot check .. simon was taken back to the station..he la.. always drink beer liaoz than start to tok rubbish..tok back to the police.. kaoz... now still at station dunnoe when can bail him out.. quite worried for him lo .. when he come out mi going to scold him! hehe.. today
whole day never msg him... he also never look for mi for ard 1 week plus liaoz.. guess he
no longer cares abt my absent or present liao... sad.. yesterday went to bugis with my dear... remebered of tht time when i was ther with him.. he had a arguement with 2 malay guys. it was thn i realised i
already cried for him during that time liao.. so scare that something will happened.. after tat incident he say mi ask mi no nid to cry de.. hehe.. haiz..all in the past liaoz.. wonder when we will ever mit up and chat as usual..
miss him badly.. but wat can i do?
Thursday, July 21, 2005
i beinging to doubt about
promises...i believe u dun really mean wat u said to mi.. u were onli trying to make mi feel good
...comforting mi.. u never meant those promises u made to mi.. i feel the distance getting more and more
further apart...i wanted to try to hold on but it's seems that i dun haf the strenght to maintence.. u doubt everything i did..u never understand i was onli trying to save this frdship... is that how u see mi...? haiz.. this fri going 2
MusicUderground with ah na.. like every weekend going to chiong.. wat has become of mi??? i dunnoe. i juz dun feel the real mi animore..
i lost myself.. haiz...
Monday, July 18, 2005
dunnoe if wat i chose is correct.. i hopes he will be happie... i already expected this outcome... that y i told him that some things reali cant be said out.see ask mi to say now like this... told u le u dun believe mi..haiz..u are reali a stuipd idiotz...but i'm happi that u still will think of mi this frd... the msg u sent mi juz now i dunnoe y.. but it;s make mi feel so sad...almost feel like crying sia... but it's ok i will be strong... i will be happi coz i dunwan to be a burden to ur relationship with her... i wan u to be happi too... i reali miss those days where we were so happi and our usual mit up.. although things are different now but at least i knew that we will always be each other best frds... last week was quite an packed day for mi... went to devils on friday nite till 7am in the morning..sad that dint went to chinablack as it was full and crowded.. sat took leave slpt till 1 in the afternoon.. after that went to do my reboudin..hehe... so far so gd lo .. than was k box .. not reali enjoying myself at k box..dunnoe wat happened to dear, suddenly gib mi attidute...argh... sianz everytime lidat de... after k session was around 12pluz liaoz so tired so went hm to slp... sunday woke up for ruan lo.. hehe finalli flora and xiuling make it..haha..learning a new song well it was simple la so nthing stressful to mi.. after that went hm to took a nap.. my eyes juz feel so drowny..got to slp.. after that was mit ah boy to pass him vcd . went to the pasar malam at tamp . again felt so tired so went hm at 9plus and slpt.. life is juz lidat lo.. seems so pack but yet i still feel so empty...
Friday, July 15, 2005
s0mtimes i feel that it's ok.. i dun mind...but sometimes i feel that my heart cant take it... these few days the feeling u gave mi is that u've changed..maybe u dint realise it or maybe u juz dunwan to accept the fact... it's on use... u have change... are we reali going to be like b4... ? we were such close frds... thinking back all the memories spent with u regardless it's onli some lame places that we went or anithing stupid topic that we chat... they bring smile to my face... we trusted each other and we were the best of frds.. but now i feel that it's no animore... sometimes i feel that i'm so cheap.. keep on degrading myself to an extend that i dunnoe y i'm doing those thing .. i juz wan u to noe that i reali cherish u this wonderful palz of mine.. hopefulli u wun forget the times we spent together... u noe wat i still remeber the time when u dint wanna tok to anione.. i ask u out to bugis to walk and i was reali so happi that at least u willing to tok to mi... but wat happened now.. y does it seems that everything has change... but if u reali feel happier this way i'm happi for u .. juz remember that no matter wat i'll always be ur frd regardless wat happened.. coz that the promise we made...~
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
i feel so useless.. sometimes i tell myself that yes i dun feel for him le but dunnoe y i tend to think abt him so often again... argh...i wan to break free... so triing to feel this way.. it's making mi feel so xin ku again..!!! argh... likes got something pressing against my heart..haiz.. i wish for understanding....i think i cant take it man... juz dun feel good abt it.. sometime i feel that i hate him so much..but i noe the reason to y i hate him... i wish them 'happiness'!
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
haiz...things will never be the same animore..the closeness we shared will soon be replace..u keep telling mi no but haiz u dun understand...*tuipd* i decided to deceive myself..maybe u can say that i'm so great but in fact wat i reali hopes was not to lose him at all.. frds are forever after all...juz knew tat there no way i cant get u outta my mind now... i wish u happiness too..but haiz... hopes u wun forget mi and reali be there whernever i nid u .... u gave mi the sense of security no one else ever given.u show mi wat happi is all abt..although now whenever i think back those flashes of us going out tears flown frm my eyes...heart shattering...i will be happi so tat u wun be worry..so that u will be happi leading ur life too..i dunwan my love to be a burden in ur own life..dun do things or say anithing to mi juz brcoz u dunwan to feel gulity...i'll be more worst then ever... haiz these few days all i've been writing abt was him... coz i reali dunnoe wat to reali say on.. my life suddenly turn into black and white..i feel so lonely... but reali gratful that i still haf some good frds that cares so much abt mi..thanzk palz...muackz~
Sunday, July 10, 2005
i miss you. all i haf in my mind was u...cant help but it's all u in my mind..every min..every sec everyday.. cant even cry...the pain surpressing in my heart making mi weak..making me bery xin ku..i feel worst.. u were onli trying to make mi feel better.but i onli feel more worst... the pain is so hurting that i cant do anithing to stop it but onli making mi tot of u more.. i reali miss you alotz..and i truly likes u.
Saturday, July 09, 2005
i dint slpt the whole nite...
i cried thru the nite.. i dun haf the courage to say
I Like You....i miss you so much..my heart ache so much.. wat i guess is correct...
i've lost... i was never meant to be ...cruel was i to myself i actualli wish u luck..i actualli persude u to go for it.. my heart tear and pierce thru mi with every words of happiness i said to you... was that wat i reali hopes it will be...my heart is crying..
i feel so XIN KU... i wish i could hug u tight and never let go.. i wish i could reali lay on ur shoulders and cry... how i wish but i never did..for i knew i cant... i haf no choice left.. i cant chose anithing.. i reali miss you so much.. i feel that after that nite i'll never going to see u or be as close to u animore.. juz the tots bring tears to my eyes. haf u heard Yu Heng-
Yi Rang Shi Peng You..? i dun wan to lose u..i dunnoe y the strong sense of losing u scar deep into my heart..i never felt so xin ku b4.. i used to be able to say wat i feel but not this time..it's different..i feel that after saying
i'm gonna lose u even as a frd. i dunwan that to happened.. u didnt read the mail i sent u.. u dint get my hints..if onli i haf one wish.. i wish that u can say
u love mi too..even if its last onli for one day....
I Really Miss You So Much..And I Really Likes You.
Friday, July 08, 2005
last nite i cried... haven cried for so long liao...my eyes hurt..i dunnoe y i cry... tears juz rolled down... and i felt so pain.. i dunnoe y...i think i'm falling deeper...but i noe it's impossible..i waas never in his heart.... he never knew hoe much i been hurt...never will he understand how i feel.... i feel so weak.. no more like how i used to be.. maybe it's juz a secret i will haf to keep i n my heart 4ver.. the word impossible graved deep in my heart yet i cant seems to forget abt him..repeatingly asking myself to give up but ....i cant do it..he has never leavee my mind... i miss him...
Thursday, July 07, 2005
i haf resigned to life..my life juz sucks.. i dunnoe y..i juz dun feel that i'm the usual mi animore...no sense of security in my life...my future seems so blur..i dunnoe wat i wan...my life is juz a rountine...wake up go work after work is hm. eat dinner watch tv slp..lame!!!! i dun seems to be able to rest at al.. sat still haf work. after work find place to go if not lame at tamp or hm. sun worst still haf to go for my ruan practise..everyday haf to wake up earli..been so long since i woke up in the afternoon time liao.. well not saying that i'm lazy juz tat i wish i can slack for maybe a week??? hahaha...dream on.. but quite happi la coz year end going to spain.. hopefully will be as fun as last time trip to jap... reali hopes that my frds,xiuling flora can go too.. now we onli nid to pay for our own air ticket i think shld not be a big prob ba.. but haiz after this year end trip i tink that most of my ruan kakis will be going for practise often liaoz.. quite sad but even if practise as usual my kakis not ard i go down i also feel sianz.. hopefullli the 10th anniversary performace will went out well.. cant wait for the new costumes to be out and also the whole performance of hoe it;s going to turn out into... haha... hopefulli this weekend wun be tat lame for mi liao.. muz find someting to do.. later goin to visit my dear eileen. poor ger still in hopsital hopes she faster discharge. i wan to go do reboudning i wan to de my hair.. hahaha... guess that all blog again when i feel like ba.. haha..
Monday, July 04, 2005
PISSED OFF!!
last sat was an enjoyable day..went swensens to ate lunch but dint eat much..guess i'm used to not eating lunch.. juz ate 1/4 of my favourite bake rice and i felt damn full liaoz.. gosh..haha..after that met dawei to go to the spore expo to see the dreamcars asia exhibition.. wow those cars were very nice(thumbs up for them!)oh ya not to mentioned that there are pretty babes there too.. frm jap and local de. but sad to say our local race queens were prettier.. well who say gers cant look at pretty gers too.. there was one who reali caught my eyes. i found her so sweet looking and pretty... whoo~ stay at the exhibi for 3 hrs plus after tat dawei sent mi to Changi hospital to visit eileen.. poor ger she had fever for 2 weeks and after her visit to see doctor at there they said that she nid to be hospitalise to investigate on her fever.. hopes she can recover soon.. poor thing.. miss hanging out laming with her... after tat went to the usual dinner place..(505) for dinner.. haha dear brought mi a watch frm 25 hour shop. so expensive. i wanted to buy it with my own money but he insist on buying for mi.. so let him buy lo..(oops) hahaz.. after that went hm at 9plus took a bath coz i felt so sticky and hot.. then after that mit dawei at k-pool. played 1 round of billiard then set off to catch the midnite show le.. INtial D.. i mux say that it;s reali a bery nice show.. so interesting and exciting.. edison was so cute and not to mention Jay was also cool.. the way he drove when racing . kaoz so calm and steady.. haha.. cant wait for the part 2 to screen .. after movie was time for hm.. (so tired)
sunday was a tiring day too.. wake up in the earli morning to go for ruan practise.. oh ya it was also minru's bdae. hopes she enjoyed herself..although i felt that we shld sabo her more.. well nvm there's always the next year..hahaha.. was force to eat dinner with miss ding..well not reali force but juz feel like going hm and rest..bo piangs chencheng keep presuding mi..well go lo eat free dinner....haha.. after tat went hm bath go to dawei hse to watch tv show. kinda lame coz went to his hse at 9.30pm then after the tv show ended juz went hm.. haha.. sound so stupid...
haiz so tired nowadays.. how i wish i can take a break.. miss him so much..oh ya dreamt of ben last nite.he was as handsome in my dreams.. miss him too.. miss so mani ppl.. haiz.. my life suck.. feel so damn pissed off.. all farker plz get out of my life!
Friday, July 01, 2005
i wanna fall sick..i wanna stay at hm.. i dunwanna do anithing.. i juz wan to be alone.. this week has being a tring week for mi .. ...i'm getting lost.. happiness?? haha wat that? it's drifting away frm mi..so far away.. i feel so irritated when i saw him. i dunnoe wat's wrong.. i dun wish to mit him.. yet i can onli try to act as if i do.. so xin ku.. in fact i rather see 'him' then my him... gosh wtf. i wanna break free..i wan freedom...i miss him..onli when i see him i feel happi..dunnoe y .. things seems impossible but that wat i'm feeling rite now.. thinking of him.. no one else.. but does he feel the same.. haiz...when come to a part where love has stop and faded the onli way is to let go..but i cant even let go.. for i haf no choice. i cant make my choice..! i cant.. will i ever regret if that day come or i will juz live in guilt.. . do i reali noe wat i wan who i need? is that anione who can truly understand mi..i'm so lost,..so troubled...
